We're still here...

This was a piece that I wrote last night on returning from a Battle of Britain veteran’s signing event held in Farnborough. Everyone can draw their own inspiration from the valiance of our airmen throughout the second world war, with their stories of heroism, courage and camaraderie. Harking back to a time when the best of British was not just a catchy phrase thought up by an advertising man to sell cheap sausages, but when it genuinely did reflect a ‘better’ time of ideals and upheld virtues. Of the courage of a man ready to get into the cockpit of a plane, maybe never to come back to earth, ready to sacrifice his life. This is what still strikes and inspires me, because for me it has a parallel to the short butterfly life of the cancer sufferer, whether the person lives for six months or years, they blossom into life then fade away in memory. It is men like Tom that give me strength, a trait that these men possess so strongly beneath their now frail exteriors.

An old man sits alone at a table in a room now empty, which just minutes ago had reverberated to multiple voices, outstretched hands and looks of hero worship. But certainly this man would never call himself a hero, to do so would seem wrong, to discredit those whose voices can no longer be heard – whether extinguished long ago in his distant memory, or in the recent years of old age, it matters not. The brotherhood of service was then, is still now, as his elderly colleagues shuffle off for a well-deserved lunch and rest.

As he sits in that bare moment I want to go over to talk, to put into action that day, that moment, that I’ve dreamt so long of. But here, in a meeting room at a hotel next to a busy dual carriageway I stand rooted to the spot. Has the morning’s work of signing the endless conveyor belt of books and posters thrust his way exhausted the energy of an old man, or has it brought back those memories that seem so vivid, so real, so not of seventy years ago? In the same way that I can feel the visceral emotion of the lasers and the smoke of the warehouse balcony, the confusion of the club, can he still remember the roar of cannon, smell of glycol, and the taste of fear?

Like a line of ghosts, they are just still present in our world, just still faintly visible to the eye. So frail, so hard to hear, so hard to reach out to; What can I ask, what can I say? Even now I don’t know what would have been right. I wish that the right words had been there for me to say, but they weren’t. But now I can: Thank you Tom, Geoffrey, Peter, William, Bill, Bob, Nigel and Tony. I’m glad I met you, you are there for me when the days are dark.

People often tell me that I’m brave, I don’t know why. “I’m not brave, I’m just trying to stay alive” is what I always say, like something heard whispered from a ghost passing by…

Wing Commander Tom Neil, DFC, AFC - who flew Hurricanes with 249 Squadron
from North Weald during the Battle of Britain. His book "Gunbutton to Fire" is a
classic of its type, as is Tom himself. A kind-hearted and noble man who I count
myself lucky to have met. This picture is copyright of The Independent website.

The Fun of Fundraising

It was about time that I wrote about the fantastic effort that was put in at my recent fundraising event in Beer, and the result – a huge amount of sponsorship to put towards my Justgiving target and my Mont Blanc attempt later this year.

Organised by one of my family members - Annette, an absolute star - she worked tirelessly (as did my Mother) in getting it all booked and off the ground, finding people that were willing to book tables, participate in some way by donating items for sale, or willing to help out on the day. Booked for the Saturday of the first bank holiday weekend, we were expectant that there would be a large number of people around due to the run of extremely good weather there had been just before the holiday. However, recent sales had not been very well attended so we were a little nervous.

With the help of Dan at The Roy Castle Lung Castle Foundation I had borrowed a large banner to hang outside The Mariner's Hall, as well as a good range of publicity material to spread out on a table in an advantageous position. I'd also let the local newspapers know about the upcoming sale, as well as one of them ran an article about my myself and my diagnosis, my work in highlighting the importance of early lung cancer detection, the lack of research funding, and of course my Mont Blanc climb. The same paper had also arranged for a photographer to attend on the Saturday should any rioting occur at the cake stall!

The day started off sunny, which was a good omen. My stepdad had parked his vintage British motorcycle (an AJS) outside, which was getting lots of admiring glances and helping to stop people on their way down the street. Natalie, a relative from Colyton, had her two little boys also set up outside doing a fast business in selling their toys onto unsuspecting punters. Born businessmen if ever there was! There were bric-a-brac stalls and a raffle and tombola with lots of generous prices donated by local businesses (too many to mention, but a BIG thank to you all if you're reading this). Naomi and myself were manning the kitchen, dispensing the teas, coffees and cakes - a very busy task at the height of the morning.

Picture courtesy of the Axminster Pulmans

All-in-all it was a fantastic morning, with a great turnout and dedication from everyone involved. It was very touching that so many people put so much hard work in, donated their time and energy or items. I can't really name them all in person, but obviously special thanks to Annette, my Mother, Lynette (for the coffee, tea and eggs!) and everyone else that donated generously.

I can't deny that it was a very tiring morning for me physically and mentally, but we raised a spectacular amount of money towards my sponsorship, which is bringing my target and Mont Blanc that ever bit closer. Hopefully my Father will be arranging a charity fundraising concert later in the summer, so I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading, until next time...

A Good Day

It's not often that I feel compelled to write because of the beauty of the world, but yesterday was one of those days – one that stood out in two week's worth of days that have all stood out, which is praise indeed. Endless sunny days, beautiful blue skies and pinky-orange cotton wool sunsets setting over calm seas have become the norm. Bluebells have filled the woods and the tree's leaves have burst forth into life and light, as has my heart to walk amongst all that we are given but sometimes forget.

The addition of a new member of the family, a five year old young lady called Jadie from Maidstone has brought her own problems, and rewards too. For without her, or Purdey as she is now known, I might have stayed at home, together with the pains in my legs and hips that seem to have resurfaced, mulling the future. But Purdey is keen to discover the world, her senses – all these new smells, so enticing, so confusing – water, water, WATER! A break in the hedge with a stream behind in which to jump is a chance missed can't you see. A stick thrown is even more devine.

Purdey loves water, balls – and preferably balls in water

Together we walked up by the Coly river and up over the hills, through fields of Buttercups and Dandelions, through lanes of Stitchwort and Cow Parsley. White blossom floated from a tree outside a beautiful farmhouse, where a bottle of lemonade sat half drunk on a table. Small streams burbled, with tentacles of streamer weed waving over beds of sunlit gravel, where minnows swam to be alive. Meadows of grass so lush that Purdey had to jump and spring to find her way – her ever gaining excitement a visible sign of the beauty we both felt. Like a dream world, one long gone, written about, but never seen. The thing of tales, the thing that men were forced to fight to protect. Summer, oh glorious English summer. For you are here. And so am I, of that much I am glad.

Fundraising Event, Easter Saturday

Just a quick blog to let you know about a fund-raising event that my auntie (not actually my mum's cousin, but my family tree is a little difficult for me to try and explain!) and my mother have organised this forthcoming weekend, on Easter Saturday (the 23rd of April).

It's a table-top sale and coffee morning being held at The Mariner's Hall, Beer, Devon, from 9.30am until 12.30pm. There will be lots to do with a tombola and raffle, with lots of fantastic prizes courtesy of some very generous local businesses. There will also be a 'best decorated Easter egg' competition for two age groups, the under 5s and 6-12 year olds. There will obviously be tea and coffee being served, with a selection of delicious cakes to have there or take away, plus cream teas – if I don't eat all the scones first!

All proceeds will be going towards my sponsorship target and The Roy Castle Lung Cancer Foundation. I'm just over halfway of my target, currently standing at about £1300, or 52%. Everyone has already been hugely generous, for which I thank everyone that has got behind me. So just to remind ourselves of the goal I thought it was time to post up another fantastic image of my destination. Until next time, thanks for reading.

Five a day? Think seventeen!

A bit of an off-topic blog this one, but an interesting recent article in i, The Independent's 'mini' newspaper (which is incidentally very good), focused on how dieticians and health advisors can come to no clear conclusion about just how many portions of fruit and vegetables a day we should all be consuming. And indeed whether eating a diet consisting of a high amount of fruit and vegetables might even lower the risk of cancer at all.

The association between fruit and vegetable intake and reduced cancer risk seems weak, with experts indicating that eating five a day might lower cancer rates by just 2.5%. In the best case scenario, an extra two portions of fruit and vegetables each day could prevent 2.6% of cancers in men and 2.3% of cases in women, a 2010 study concluded. The Researchers, from the Mount Sinai School of Medicine (New York) took into account lifestyle factors such as smoking and exercise when drawing their conclusions. But writing in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute, they said they could not rule out that even the small reduction in cancer risk seen was down to the fact that the kind of people who ate more fruit and vegetables lived healthier lives in many other respects too.

The World Cancer Research Fund has apparently long indicated that we should all be consuming 5-10 portions a day, with a recent survey from The Institute of Optimum Nutrition finding that the healthiest people within this survey ate eight portions a day.

With other governments advocating that we should all be eating more than five a day - Spain 8, Greece 9, Canada up to 10, and Japan amazingly 17 - why have the UK chosen five as the magical number? Well, it seems that the magical figure five was not gained from research - but from what the government deemed us unhealthy Brit's might be actually able to meet. With our daily intake of roughly two and a half portions a day it was seen that if it was any higher than five people simply would not be able to ever image achieving that target. To quote i:“In other words, our government aimed low because Brit's diets were so rubbish, that they thought that five was the best we could manage.”

But a word of warning in the i article comes from Zoe Harcombe, a leading nutritionist: Eating too much fruit might actually make you put on weight and lead to heart problems due to its high fructose (sugar) content. So now not only do we have to aim to eat seventeen portions of fruit or vegetables a day to be like the healthy Japanese, but not include too much fruit either. Confused?!

Eating healthily might just help you stay well and ward off cancer, but in the end it comes down to how you're generally living your life. Food for thought indeed...

When It Rains..

For once a useful piece from a local paper syndicate (the Budleigh Salterton / Exmouth / Sidmouth / Axminster Herald), although I did get to 'edit' it first which is always nice and prevents journalists from writing things that I have never said. One recent journalist managed to get figures relating to lung cancer research funding completely wrong, which is frustrating when I'm trying to give an accurate portrayal of what's happening, or not. The word 'survivor' in today's article was not something that I would have personally chosen, and was added after my edit. It seems to indicate that I have 'survived' cancer, which is simply not the case - I am LIVING with it, a big difference. Maybe an issue of semantics, but one I feel awkward about.

Midweek Herald Interview

When it rains, it pours, as the saying goes! I've also just carried out the first part of a possible interview for the Stella supplement of the Sunday Telegraph, looking at how a cancer or other permanent illness diagnosis can alter the dynamics of a relationship. Talking to a number of different couples, of different relationship periods, with differing illnesses, the journalist is looking to shed light on how people cope in their own individual ways. We were hesitant to get involved unless we felt that there was something that we could say to make people truly understand what it is like, for both of us, to live with a cancer diagnosis. The uncertainty, the denial of a pre-planned linear future etc. However, Helen (the journalist) strikes me as having the right aims, so we look forward to seeing what develops.

A beautiful day from last winter, of Bow Fell looking towards the Scafells

I have had a bit of a hiatus in writing recently, not for laziness, but because I'd been trying to get my thoughts together about the next piece, as well as I've had a lot on because of my grandmother being in hospital since Christmas Day. Normal service will resume shortly! Until next time...

The Problem with Cancer…

…is that it wants to get everywhere, into everything. Horrendous as it is that it takes away life, it seems to invade everything else too, to take away living itself: Every sense of my being and waking moment. A gnawing away of the soul, to leave a husk of what had once been. Living with cancer is like living a dream, a very bad one, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. No respite, no parole, no time off for good behaviour – just the reminder that this is now, that now there may be no future. There is no moment of laughing and forgetting, even though the laugh sounds real it hides the hurt inside. 

Inside my mind thoughts drift around, tethered to no central idea. Just another day of trying not to think about the C word, but failing miserably. Do I eat this, do I eat that? I better not, my body needs to work to 100% capacity. Do I stay up late? I better not, my body needs to fight the demon inside me. Do I bathe today? I better not, for fear of the rash that comes as a result of the drugs wrestling the invader into temporary restraint. Do I talk about this to friends, family? Do they want to know? Do they understand that when I don't answer the phone that I'm not ignoring them, not renouncing their friendship, just that to re-open the wound up again is to lay it open to the doubt that no-one can take away.

Brantrake Fell, Eskdale – Christmas Day training walk

But the question that Naomi and I both ask ourselves is are we now just more aware, or is cancer really everywhere? Every time I open the paper, watch the news, sit down to watch a film – it is there, there is no escape. It starts to wear me down, that it tries to infect my every moment. That another person dies and loses a short fight, sometime a long fight, but that they lost. That the person building his dream house no longer gets to live the dream, but instead we get a sunset scene with Kevin's voice-over. That the Hollywood dream machine now sees the C word as legitimate material for the multiplexes masses: John the hero does not get the girl, for she married her cancer stricken friend so that his son will not be without a family. In an alternative ending the husband gets an anonymous donation, obviously from the love interest, for a new drug that keeps him alive. We don't know how long his reprieve is for, as Hollywood does not control life or death, yet.

Beautiful Eskdale sees a Christmas sunset, December 2010

So I know that as sure as the sun rises, tomorrow will see the start of another day, and the end of life for someone living with cancer, despite the help of the doctors and nurses that try against the odds to keep hope and life alive*. That it might or not be reported in the news or made into a film. But not that any of it matters – we only have one life, so however it ends, it ends. Game over. But let's not walk away from life just yet, let's thank the stars that we get to see another day, live with hope that maybe we might get to see a few more days yet and find that inner strength to carry on, no matter how cancer tries to take away our pride. Standing up to cancer is hard, but if we all try in our own way perhaps we can make it go away once and for all.

p.s. After reading this we both almost decided that this was too heavy and honest, but then decided that it should have its place. So if you found it too much then I'm sorry, but life with cancer is not easy – so maybe that does not make easy reading in itself. Thanks.

*Having spent two days this Christmas as a guest of East Surrey Hospital I would like to say how truly amazing our health-care staff really are. Heros one and all. A big thank you.

A Happy Christmas and New Year

My plans to post before Christmas have gone a little out of the window, due to:
A) Having to dig our car out of the snow today, when I should have been blogging instead!
B) The research for my next piece not being on target. Either my memory is getting more addled with age, or the event I wanted to relay was longer ago than I thought.
So if we ever return from the winter wonders of the Lake District the next blog will be the 5th of January. Thanks for reading so far - have a fantastic festive time.

The Joy of Life

We had a much loved, and now much missed, temporary house guest recently. Answering to the name of Meg, she liked to go walking whatever the weather, especially when the leaves were blowing. Most of the time Meg displayed human qualities, and indeed thinks that she is – but once a rubber pig or chicken was introduced she became a wild thing, as much a wild thing a Springer Spaniel can be. For those that have never had one, Springers embody a lust for life that maybe we should take note of…

Meg loves rubber chickens and pigs. And Naomi's hand.

I know that walking helps the pain in my hips and back, a result of the cancer’s spread to my bones; It doesn’t care where it goes, just as long as it can get somewhere, anywhere. Radiotherapy at different times has helped me regain back mobility – there have been moments when I couldn’t even get out of the car, wincing in pain; A far cry from the man that would walk happily in the Lakes for ten to twelve miles a day.

I can walk now, which is a blessing, a fact that I thank God and my doctor for. But there are days where I’m just happy to sit on the couch, feeling lethargic, devoid of energy. All symptoms that cancer sufferers are so familiar with, and I count myself lucky that the side effects of Tarceva are ‘relatively’ slight.

But Meg indicated that sitting on the couch just isn’t allowed, that whatever the weather we must get out to enjoy the world, to take part whilst we still can. That even if the weather is cloudy and grey, like my spirit sometimes, that to see the world for all its beauty is to understand that life must be lived. So as we kicked leaves and walked amongst the swaying, dancing trees, looking down on the valleys of Dorset stretching to the sea I felt happiness in my heart. From the hill-tops to the sea, in the clouds, in the sun, we walked – Meg and I.

Meg, contented after a hard day chasing leaves

 She has now gone home to her owner and I’ve gone back to being inside too much, but I try to remember the joy we both felt from the world out there. For to be in it is to experience the reason we’re here: Not things, objects, or possessions – for the beauty of life, however it may reach out and touch our hearts, is to be rich indeed.

Where it all begins...

So it seems that I've finally got to put my money where my mouth is and actually start organising my Mont Blanc climb for next year. What had started off as an idle thought had then been put down on my media 'biography', and subsequently picked up on by a presenter on a live radio interview as a key talking point. A thought as a possible 'objective' for next year had now had to take some form of reality, otherwise I'm just talking a lot of hot air! Which is never the case, despite public opinion on this matter.

Mont Blanc at Sunset, copyright RPM Guides

The issue of targets and objectives is an interesting one, because in my own way of dealing with the dreaded C word – cancer that is, not the C word used by James Naughtie on Today this week – I personally find that it helps me to put order back into my life, by establishing aims that I can work towards. The idea of a linear future and a long-term plan (marriage, family, old age, grand-children) is suddenly all taken away. Nothing seems real, guaranteed. There is only one guarantee, which there is for anyone, but for me that seems somewhat nearer than for most people. So, the establishment of a given target seems the best thing that I can do – two fingers to cancer. I will be here, this is my life, you cannot take it away – yet. I will carry on trying to do the things that I love, you cannot take me away from the people that I love – yet.

The phrase “Every day a mountain” came about because to me it's a personal metaphor for what it's like living with cancer: the ups and downs, the bigger picture, trying to get through every day and remain positive – even when the slightest ache and pain makes me feel that the cancer is getting one up on me. So please read on and let me know what you think, it's not just a blog about one man trying to get to the top of a mountain: It's about how cancer strips away the flesh, but not the spirit.